Got the Money Anyway
(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)
Play script by Cui Kai et al.
Characters
Uncle Zhao, acted by Zhao Benshan
Shenyang, acted by Shen He
CCTV Man, acted by Bi Fujian
Yadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)
小品：“不差钱”
（2009年中央电视台春节联欢晚会节目）
编创者 崔凯 等
表演者 赵本山、沈鹤、毕福剑、王金凤（毛毛）
（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）
(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)
赵本山：到了。
毛毛： 到了。
赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。
毛毛： 爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。
赵本山：啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。
毛毛： 爷爷，这家老贵的啦。
赵本山：贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？
毛毛： 我没拿包啊。
赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。
毛毛： 完了，让我落炕上了。
赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有钱吗？
毛毛： 兜里，多少钱哪才？才70多块钱。
赵本山：我还有400。行，够了。
毛毛： 这也不能够啊。
赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！
Uncle Zhao Here we are.
Yadar Here we are.
Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: "Scottish Tease / Fool."
Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.
Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.
Yadar But it's very expensive.
Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?
Yadar What bag?
Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.
Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.
Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?
Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.
Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.
Yadar Still not enough.
Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!
（小沈阳上）
小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。
赵本山：不是，我们是吃饭的。
小沈阳：妈呀，吃饭的？
赵本山：不像啊？
小沈阳：不太像。
赵本山：我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。
小沈阳：妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。
赵本山：咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。
小沈阳：这是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。你看，是有腿的哦。妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。
赵本山：行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。
小沈阳：呃，没问题。
赵本山：来来来，我问问你，你们这个酒店，如果要急头白脸吃一顿，得多少钱？
小沈阳：咋还吃急眼了呢？
赵本山：我意思就是，最贵的都点上。
小沈阳：得一、两万的。
赵本山：一、两万？啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账？
(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)
Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.
Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?
Shenyang Not quite.
Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.
Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.
Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?
Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.
Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.
Shenyang No problem.
Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?
Shenyang Why so / What's wrong?
Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.
Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.
Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?
小沈阳：打白条儿啊？
赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。
小沈阳：啥意思？
赵本山：小费。
小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。
赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。
小沈阳：咋兜呢？
赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要点贵菜......
小沈阳：我就说没有呗。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点。再给你30，来。
小沈阳：我跟你都明码的哦。
赵本山：谢谢。
小沈阳：放心吧。
毛毛： 爷爷，我有点饿了。
赵本山：饿了？来碗面条。
小沈阳：呃，78一碗。
赵本山：啥面？这么贵。
小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。
赵本山：是不是卤子贵？
小沈阳：卤不要钱。
赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。
小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。
赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。
小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。
Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?
Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.
Shenyang What's it?
Uncle Zhao A tip for you.
Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!
Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.
Shenyang Like how?
Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?
Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.
Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.
Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.
Shenyang Nothing much.
Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.
Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?
Shenyang 78 yuan.
Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?
Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.
Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?
Shenyang It's free.
Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.
Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.
Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.
Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)
赵本山：来，站起来。跟你说，一会儿星光大道的毕老师来了，你一定要给我争个脸，好不？这是人生最好的一次机会，知道吗？爷爷培养了你，都已经四十多年了。
毛毛： 爷爷，我才多大。
赵本山：我还培养你爸三十多年呢。这不，你爸那是个半成品，我都给培养成文化站站长了。你一定要超过他，有决心吗？
毛毛： 有。
赵本山：表一下决心。
毛毛： 我指定：
洪湖水，浪打浪，
长江后浪推前浪，
一浪更比一浪强，
把我爹拍在沙滩上！
赵本山：有志向。
小沈阳：哎，来了。
赵本山：来，先把这卤子喝了，这孩子饿了。
毛毛： 爷爷，有点咸了。
赵本山：没事，给她整碗水去。
小沈阳：免费的水，不是？
赵本山：白开水就行。真够抠的。
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTV's Starlight Broadway c'mes, you must show you' best, OK? It's the best opport'nity for you' own future. Grandpa's been preparin' you over the past 40-plus years.
Yadar Grandpa, see how old I am now.
Uncle Zhao I prepared you' daddy for 30 extra years. Though he ain't good enough, he's the chief of the township's cultural center. So you really should outdo him. Can you make it or not?
Yadar I can.
Uncle Zhao Swear if you're serious.
Yadar The Yangtze River like the Hong waters rolls on and on,
Each wave behind higher than the one at the front.
Young people are born to challenge their elders;
I'll beach my daddy like... like a wrecked old ship.
Uncle Zhao Good for you / Well said!
(Shenyang enters again.)
Shenyang Here's the sauce for you.
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Eat this, so you won't be too hungry.
Yadar Grandpa, it's a bit salty.
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Fetch her s'me water to drink.
Shenyang You mean free water?
Uncle Zhao Just plain boiled water, you miser.
（毕福剑上）
小沈阳： 哟，你不是那谁吗，你是那个......蒙住了。朱军？！不是朱军。白岩松？！不是。老毕......你是毕老师吗？！
毕福剑：我姓毕。
小沈阳：哎呀我的妈呀，毕老师来了。你咋出来了呢？哎呀我的妈呀，快来人啊，毕老师，一会儿该跑了。
赵本山：干啥，吵吵巴火的，让狼撵了咋的？
小沈阳：毕老师......
赵本山：我知道，这就是我要请的客人。
小沈阳：哎呀我的妈呀，毕老师，你给我照个相呗！
赵本山: 你先等一会儿。刚到是吧？
毕福剑：刚到，刚到。
赵本山：我在这儿等半天了。
毕福剑：你好你好。请问您是......？
赵本山：你找谁？
毕福剑：我找莲花乡文化站站长赵铁柱。
赵本山：找对了，这就是赵铁柱的爹，我是......
毛毛： 赵铁柱是我爹。
赵本山：我是赵铁柱的爹。你不是找爹吗？啊不，找就对了。
毕福剑：爹......不是，我找您儿子。
赵本山：他在乡里等你呢。啊呀，乡里布置得老隆重啊，乡长、书记都在那儿排队等你呢。布一个大厅，完事弄一个大房间，给你弄一个大照片挂中间，周围全是花呀。
毕福剑：老哥，这花都什么颜色？
赵本山：白的、黄的都有啊。很漂亮，真的。老百姓都拿笔等着，等得都哭啊，等你呢。
毕福剑：哭什么？
赵本山：这不激动吗，你去了。来吧，请......
毕福剑：咱去乡里吧。
赵本山：别介，乡里布置我，说先搁铁岭吃一顿，完事上那儿。你看吧。
(Bi Fujian, MC / anchorman of CCTV's Starlight Broadway program, enters.)
Shenyang Why, aren't you that one - Zhujun! Oh sorry. Bai Yansong? Oh no. Or a Bi something! Are you Mr. Bi?
CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.
Shenyang Come here everyone, it`s Mr. Bi here. (To CCTV Man) Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up! Come here! He can go elsewhere at any minute.
Uncle Zhao Whut the hell's going on? Anythin' to be so fussy abut? You're being hounded by a wolf?
Shenyang He's Mr. Bi...
Uncle Zhao I know, an' he's the guest I'm honored to keep comp'ny today.
Shenyang Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr. Bi?
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Wait, wait. (To CCTV Man) Welc'me, Mr. Bi.
CCTV Man Nice to meet you.
Uncle Zhao I've been waitin' all this time for you.
CCTV Man Thanks a lot really. May I have your name please?
Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see?
CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Township's cultural center.
Uncle Zhao You got it. Here's his daddy and I'm...
Yadar Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.
Uncle Zhao An' I'm Tiezhu's daddy. Aren't you lookin' for a dad... I mean it's right to be looking my way.
CCTV Man Hi, daddy... I mean buddy. So where's your son?
Uncle Zhao He's at the township waitin' for you. Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you. With enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle. Flowers all around.
CCTV Man What're the colors of the flowers, buddy?
Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow. Lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.
CCTV Man Why's that?
Uncle Zhao They're excited.
CCTV Man Let's go there, then.
Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first. How abut that?
