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毕福剑：在这儿吃饭？
赵本山：这是铁岭最贵的，你来吧。
毕福剑：别别，大爷，不，老哥，我在飞机上吃了。
赵本山：那客随主便，好不好？给你怎么安排你就听话，来来。
小沈阳：毕老师，你不给照个相吗？毕老师。
毕福剑：你是男服务员？
小沈阳：嗯哪。
毕福剑：长得挺委婉的。
赵本山：我刚开始来就误会了，你说哪有这打扮，哎呀妈呀。坐，刚到是吧？
毕福剑：刚到，刚到。
赵本山：咱是老乡。
毕福剑：是吗？
赵本山：你不是大连人吗？
毕福剑：对对，大连人。
赵本山：你住哪儿？
毕福间 我住大连老鳖湾。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，有亲戚，孩子她姥爷也在老鳖湾，也姓毕。
毕福剑：你姥爷叫毕什么？
毛毛： 毕门庭。
毕福剑：你姥爷打麻将肯定是高手。
赵福剑：咋的？
毕福剑：闭门听嘛。
赵本山：正好你叫闭门炮。
CCTV Man Why here?
Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling. Do c'me this way please.
CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.
Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.
Shenyang A picture of the two of us, please.
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) You're... a male waiter?
Shenyang Yup.
CCTV Man You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.
Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came. How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here. Did you enjoy your trip?
CCTV Man Yes, quite.
Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.
CCTV Man Are we?
Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian?
CCTV Man Sure.
Uncle Zhao Which part?
CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.
Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too. So we're even relatives.
CCTV Man (to Yadar) What`s his name?
Yadar Bi Menting.
CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.
Uncle Zhao Why?
CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.
Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname "Bi Mengpao," as you're a mahjong man you'self.
毕福剑：我叫毕福剑。
赵本山：这也是的，没准儿都......实在......哎呀，这一笑，你看看，多像你姥爷临走那张照片。
毛毛： 爷爷，你快看，不笑更像。
毕福剑：我今儿个躲不开了。
赵本山：孩子这一辈子，跟爷爷不行，就跟姥爷亲。姥爷临走把她哭完了。快认姥爷。
毛毛： 姥爷好。
毕福剑：别别别，起起......。大过年的，你要来这个，我得给你压岁钱了。
赵本山：不用，不用。哎呀，这家伙，来......
小沈阳：毕老师，你给我照个相呗。
赵本山：这没吃饭呢，你先揣起来。点菜，快点。
小沈阳：照完再点呗。
赵本山：点完再照。
小沈阳：要跑了呢？
赵本山：。谁跑啊？毕老师都低调来的，你别跟人这样说。她姥爷，这都......实在亲戚，你就点吧。
毕福剑： 不不不，咱随便吃点饭就可以了。您来，您来。
赵本山： 现在咱家都富了，农民生活跟过去不一样了。你就铆劲儿吃，你说吃能吃多少钱哪。我点。
毕福剑：随便来。
赵本山：澳洲鲍鱼四只。
小沈阳：对不起，没有。
毕福剑：算了，别点那么贵的。你往下来。
赵本山：四斤的龙虾。
小沈阳：对不起，没那么大的。
CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.
Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an... well, I'm really... (To Yadar) Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.
Yadar Look, even more like it when he doesn't.
CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.
Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. Sort of cried her heart out when he died. Say hello to you' new grandpa.
Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa.
CCTV Man Don't, please. It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.
Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir. You're indeed...
Shenyang We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) We haven't ordered our dishes yet. Put this damn' thing away. We'll see whut to eat first. C'me.
Shenyang Just one picture, please.
Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.
Shenyang What if he runs away after the meal?
Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr. Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance. Don't you say a thing like that. (To CCTV Man) I'm whut they call a "country pumpkin," my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest. So you please order the dishes.
CCTV Man Don't be too polite. You do it.
Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway. Please give me the menu.
CCTV Man Don't be extravagant, buddy.
Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four.
Shenyang Sorry, they're out of stock.
CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Let's move on down.
Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.
Shenyang Sorry, nothing that big.
赵本山：有多大的？
小沈阳：有一斤多的。
赵本山：一斤多的......有吗？
赵本山：有......还是没有啊？
赵本山：这个......我跟你说，有没有，这是你开的店呢，你还不明白？这不差钱。
小沈阳：哦......那没有。
毕福剑：下边我看看，鱼翅就更别点了。
赵本山： 鱼翅有也别吃了，我吃鱼翅有一回就卡住了，后来用馒头噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到医院用镊子拿出来的。不吃那玩意儿。
毕福剑： 他也没有。
赵本山： 你这酒店怎么要啥啥没有呢？干什么玩意儿吃的？这毕老师容易来一趟？把你老板找来
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：你就记住一个没有了，是不？老板。
小沈阳：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。
赵本山：上哪儿去了？
小沈阳：不知道。
赵本山：啥玩意儿呀你？你说吃啥呀？
毕福剑：来点儿家常便饭。民间的。
赵本山：民间的是吧？来民间的吧，孩子，来个小野鸡炖蘑菇。
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：这个可以有。
小沈阳：这个......真没有。
Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have?
Shenyang Half a kilo each.
Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have?
Shenyang Yes we do... or no?
Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here. Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.
Shenyang So no, we haven't got lobsters.
CCTV Man Let me have a look. Even less need for ordering shark's fin.
Uncle Zhao I won't. Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat. I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar. It didn't work, though. I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers. So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.
CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.
Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve. You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy. A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr. Bi. Where's you' boss? Get him here.
Shenyang No boss, sir.
Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well?
Shenyang Well... the boss is out.
Uncle Zhao Where's he?
Shenyang No idea.
Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?
CCTV Man Just something homely.
Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then. A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.
Shenyang I'm sorry, sir.
Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.
Shenyang Something we really don't have.
赵本山：我给你带来了啊，咱有。来，丫蛋，把这拿来。哎呀，多亏带来了。
毕福剑：老哥......
赵本山：我是给你往北京带的，现在你拿不走了，赶紧得在这儿吃了。
毕福剑 野山鸡不能吃。
赵本山：这是家养的。都是野蘑菇。把这个炖了，高压锅啊，时间长点，来。好了，这儿有一个菜了。来，笨蛋。
小沈阳：你说谁笨蛋？！
赵本山：不是，我说再点个笨鸡蛋。
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：我有。这样......
毕福剑：老哥......
赵本山：这鸡蛋和大葱一炒。
毕福剑：你怎么下一趟饭店，材料都自己备？
赵本山：不是，他没有啊，问题是。给他钱都没处找去。几个菜了？俩了，这样吧，给你们点机会。毕老师来一回，你们饭店表示不？
小沈阳： 赠送一个呗。哎呀妈呀，大爷你咋这么抠呢？你说你一个没点，完了我们还得搭一个，啊？
赵本山：我说小伙子，咱们不是一个没点。我点完之后，鲍鱼、龙虾你都没有。
小沈阳：有没有，你心里还没数吗？
赵本山：我有啥数，你不是说没有吗？
小沈阳： 别说话了。一说万一要有，咋整啊？
赵本山： 你到底有没有？这差钱还是咋的？
Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought. Get it here, Yadar. Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.
CCTV Man No, buddy...
Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'. As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.
CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.
Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home. Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done. So far we've got one dish ready. C'me here, dumb bell.
Shenyang What did you say?
Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.
Shenyang We don't have any, sir!
Uncle Zhao I do. All right...
CCTV Man Buddy...
Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.
CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?
Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here. Not even if you're willin' to pay. See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine! (To Shenyang) Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr. Bi here.
Shenyang We'll serve one dish for free. You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!
Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?
Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?
Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!
Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next?
Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.
From: http://www.hxen.com/yingyujuben/2009-03-04/69956_4.html
小沈阳：我知道大爷不差钱。我的意思，毕老师好容易来一回，咱吃喝不能在乎钱，大爷。你看我今年岁数小，但是我总结了，人这一生其实可短暂了，有时候一想，跟睡觉是一样一样的。眼睛一闭，一睁，一天过去了；眼睛一闭，不睁，这辈子就过去了。
毕福剑：小伙子，精辟。
赵本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。
小沈阳：大爷，我没别的意思。
赵本山：你啥意思？
小沈阳：我的意思，人不能把钱看得太重了。钱乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？
赵本山：嗯？
小沈阳：人死了，钱没花了。
赵本山：人这一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么吗？
小沈阳：啥呀？
赵本山：是人活着呢，钱没了。不差钱，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。
小沈阳：哎，好嘞。
赵本山：这孩子。
小沈阳：这一天......这也太抠了。
赵本山：他姥爷，这菜呢，得做一会儿。你看看丫蛋来了，这孩子从小就是一身的艺术细菌哪。
毕福剑：艺......艺术细胞。
赵本山：给看看，能不能上你的大道。
毕福剑：她......
赵本山：才艺，那是了不得。
毕福剑：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到这儿来，就是为了让您孙女上我们《星光大道》。
赵本山：可不是嘛，它有这么个关系。
毕福剑：哦，那她都......会点什么？
赵本山：来吧，给姥爷表示表示。服务员，拿麦克。有卡拉OK的麦克吗？拿来。站好了。
Shenyang This I know, sir, but with Mr. Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep. Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over. Eyes closed but never opened again - then your whole life is over.
CCTV Man That`s wit! / What a master of wit!
Uncle Zhao Not wit, he's a waiter. / To me, he jus' stings like shit!
Shenyang I didn't mean to offend you, sir.
Uncle Zhao Then whut did you mean?
Shenyang One shouldn't set too much stock on money. What good can it do, really? The most scary part of it all, sir, is to die leaving your money unused.
Uncle Zhao Whut's more scary...
Shenyang Yeah?
Uncle Zhao ... is to be left living with you' money gone. Don't worry, boy. If you play your part well, I'll pay you well.
Shenyang Do as you please.
Uncle Zhao Go ahead.
Shenyang (to himself) What a day... just too stingy.
(Shenyang exits again.)
Uncle Zhao (to CCTV Man) Preparin' the dishes would take s'me time, sir. Here's Yadar, my granddaughter. They all call her Yadar. She started showin' promise to be art'ritis when very young.
CCTV Man You mean an artist.
Uncle Zhao Please test her to see whether she's good enough for you' Broadway.
CCTV Man Can she...
Uncle Zhao Whut can she do, right? No problem!
CCTV Man Now I see. You got me stuck here so your granddaughter can get into my program.
Uncle Zhao Oh yeah, that's it.
CCTV Man What exactly can she do?
Uncle Zhao Yadar, show Grandpa Bi whut you can do. Waiter, give us a mike for a Karaoke show.
(Shenyang enters for a third time.)
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Stand over there.
毕福剑：那就这样吧，照我们的规矩来。
赵本山：来，你啥规矩？
毕福剑：来，自报家门。
赵本山：瞅前边就行了，别紧张。就搁哪儿来的。说。
毛毛： 我是来自大城市铁岭莲花池水沟子的，我名字叫丫蛋。今天，我心情非常地冲动，今夜阳光明媚，今夜多云转晴。
小沈阳：妈呀，报天气预报哪？嘻嘻。
赵本山：你别跟她说，她说的是心情。别着急。
毕福剑：继续，继续。
毛毛： 我心情从多云转晴了。这是为什么呢？因为我找到我姥爷了，我姥爷太好了，他能带我上溜光大道。
毕福剑：《星光大道》。
赵本山：《星光大道》。
毛毛： 上《星光大道》。我非常感谢我姥爷能给我这次机会，我太感谢你了。如果你真的把我领上道儿，我就感谢你八辈祖宗，我......代表八辈祖宗感谢你。忘不了你对我的大恩大德，我这辈子也不会忘记你，我做鬼都不会放过你。
毕福剑：姥爷，不，她爷，怎么越听这话，我越瘆得慌。
赵本山：孩子就是......啥意思？就是想报复你。
毕福剑：报复？
赵本山：啊不，报恩，报销嘛。报答，知恩图报，等出息了不能忘了姥爷。唱吧。唱。
毕福剑：能唱歌？
赵本山：唱李谷一的《青藏高原》。
毛毛： 那歌是李娜的。
赵本山：爱谁谁的，你唱。
CCTV Man According to our rules...
Uncle Zhao Whut're they?
CCTV Man (to Yadar) ... you shall introduce yourself first.
Uncle Zhao Look right ahead, honey. Start from the beginnin'. Don`t be nervous.
Yadar I'm from the Lotus Pond Valley of the big Tieling City. My name's Yadar. Today I'm so incited. Tonight it's so sunny, turning from cloudy to clear.
Shenyang (giggling) What're you doing, reporting on the weather?
Uncle Zhao Don't laugh at her. She's talkin' about how she feels.
CCTV Man Go on.
Yadar My feeling's changed from cloudy to sunny. Because - because I've found my grandpa. Grandpa's great, he can take me to the Star Splashed Walkway.
CCTV Man Starlight Broadway.
Uncle Zhao Starlight Broadway.
Yadar Broadway or whatever, I'm grateful to grandpa for this chance. I'll be very thankful if you can take me to your Broadway. I'll thank your ancestors... I mean I'll thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago. I won't forget this great favor you've done me. I owe this new life of mine to you. I'll go on chasing you even after I die to become a ghost.
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) Grandpa... I mean you. The way she spoke sort of upset me.
Uncle Zhao Eh... I guess she jus' wants to revenge you...
CCTV Man Is that so?
Uncle Zhao No, I mean to repay you. Or reimburse you or whute'er. One should repay those who've generously helped him or her. When the girl becomes famous, she really shouldn`t forget you. (To Yadar) Go ahead and sing.
CCTV Man Can she sing a song?
Uncle Zhao Sing "The Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau" by Li Guyi.
Yadar It`s by Li Na.
Uncle Zhao Whoe'er it is.
（毛毛现场演唱《青藏高原》。）
毛毛： "是谁带来远古的呼唤？
是谁留下千年的期盼......"
赵本山：中间的不用唱了，最后那个。哦哟啦，那个。
毛毛： "......那就是青藏高原。"
毕福剑：年龄不大，嗓门真高。
赵本山：来来，再长一个调儿。"那就......"。
毛毛： 爷爷，卤子有点吃咸了。
（小沈阳忍俊不禁）
毕福剑：好好。
赵本山：还有呢？后面连哭带唱的。
毕福剑：等一下。
赵本山：连哭带说。
毕福剑：老哥，我问一下，连哭带说是什么节目？
赵本山：就后面"我家庭怎么困难，怎么不容易"那段。
毕福剑：不不，那叫获奖感言。《星光大道》都是真人真事。你这还没有上北京，没参加《星光大道》，就获奖感言了。
赵本山：这关系，另外这条件，她不获奖能行吗？他姥爷在这儿，我还没底吗？来来来，哭，哭。这孩子可厉害了。差仨数，她马上就哭。一、二、三--哭！
毛毛： 咋哭？
赵本山：哭啊，丫蛋，在家哭那么快，真完蛋了。
毛毛： 明儿也哭不出来。
赵本山：不跟姥爷有感情吗？来，看姥爷，姥爷照片在这儿。
毛毛： 呜呜，嘻嘻，嘻嘻。
赵本山：完蛋了，笑什么！
毛毛： 太有了意思了，哪照片呀这。
毕福剑：不说了，不说了。才艺很不错，唱得很不错。
Yadar (starting to sing)
"Ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity?
Ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium?"
Uncle Zhao Skip the middle part and move on to the final climax. (Trying to imitate) Yo-la-la. See?
Yadar "...That's Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau,
The highland of my soul!"
CCTV Man What a high pitch you've got for your age.
Uncle Zhao Push higher up. Like this.
Yadar Grandpa, the sauce's hurt my voice a bit.
(Shenyang giggles again)
CCTV Man (to Yadar) That's enough.
Uncle Zhao Next, the game of ravin' in tears after the show.
CCTV Man Wait a minute.
Uncle Zhao Gabbling between sobs.
CCTV Man What exactly?
Uncle Zhao Like "I'm from a poor family an' life's been extra hard for me."
CCTV Man Not that yet. Hold it off till after she's got an award in Beijing. The Starlight Broadway's about what people actually experience in real life. They're not supposed to act things out beforehand.
Uncle Zhao See whut support she's got an' how truly marvelous she is at singin'? It'd be funny if she goes there without winnin'! With you her grandpa here, I've got nothin' to worry about. (To Yadar) C'me on, Yadar. Show Grandpa Bi how you cry. (Back to CCTV Man) The girl's fantastic. You only count to t'ree and she'll sure break down. (Back to Yadar) One, two, t'ree - cry!
Yadar I can't.
Uncle Zhao Jus' do it, Yadar. You bring tears to you' eyes damn' fast back home.
Yadar Even by daybreak tomorrow I still won't make it.
Uncle Zhao Ain't you love your dead grandpa? Look, his photo's right here.
(Yadar tries to cry out but laughs instead)
Uncle Zhao That's gonna finish me! Why the hell are you sniggering, Yadar?
Yadar It`s so funny... what kind of a photo is that?
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) Be patient, buddy. (To Yadar) Remarkable talent and truly impressive delivery.
小沈阳：这就不错啊？哎呀妈呀，这样能上的话，我也能上。
赵本山：往哪上啊你！快上菜去。
小沈阳：我上《星光大道》呗。
赵本山：上啥大道？你上炕都费劲。
小沈阳：毕老师好不容易来一回，让我展示一下，我也会唱。
赵本山：哪有时间听。知道吗？这都艺术圈的事，你一个服务员，唱啥唱啊？
小沈阳：你让我唱一个呗。
赵本山：不让你唱。
小沈阳：不让我唱，我就不给你上菜。
赵本山：你不给我上菜，我找你老板去。
赵本山：你找我老板，我把你交代我的事说出来。
赵本山：你要说......他指定比唱的好。
毕福剑：你还是说，还是自报家门。
小沈阳：其实，毕老师，我的命运(敏感词语)跟她是一样的，我也有一个姓毕的姥爷。
赵本山：你拉倒吧，用不着，别套了，你该唱唱你的。你闹心不闹心！
毕福剑：好了，不打断，不打断。小伙子，你会点什么呢？
小沈阳：我会模仿秀。
毕福剑：模仿谁？
小沈阳：模仿刘欢老师。
毕福剑：刘欢老师那一出？
小沈阳：《我和你》。
Shenyang Do you call that remarkable? If she can go there, so can I.
Uncle Zhao Where to?
Shenyang To the Starlight Broadway.
Uncle Zhao Creep way back to you' stinkin' brick bed!
Shenyang Since Mr. Bi's here, please give me a chance to try. I can sing, too.
Uncle Zhao Who's got the time to listen? Whut's more, whut do you know about matters of art? A waiter's a waiter, after all.
Shenyang Let me sing.
Uncle Zhao Nope.
Shenyang If you don't let me sing, I won't serve you the meal.
Uncle Zhao If you don't serve me the meal, I'll get you' boss here.
Shenyang If you get my boss here, I'll speak to him about what's up your sleeves.
Uncle Zhao If you speak... I know you speak better than you sing.
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) Well, say something about yourself first.
Shenyang I share a similar fate with her, with a grandpa by the same family name of Bi.
Uncle Zhao Whut's wrong with you, tryin' to curry favor like this? Sing your stupid song, or go an' suck you' mom.
CCTV Man Please don't interrupt him. What're you good at, young man?
Shenyang I can do a mock show.
CCTV Man Whom can you mock?
Shenyang Mr. Liu Huan.
CCTV Man Which song of his?
Shenyang "You and Me."
赵本山：你自个儿唱，这刚下飞机，累这样，跟你唱？
毕福剑：不是他和我唱。
赵本山：搁我更不唱了。
毕福剑：老哥，跟你解释一下，这是一首歌的名儿，叫"我和你"。
小沈阳：我给毕老师唱一个。嗯哼哼哼。
"我和你，心连心，
同住地球......"。
哎呀妈呀，我把唱词给忘了好像。
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱跑偏了，你这裤子就穿跑偏了，你就是个跑偏的人。
小沈阳：激动啦。
赵本山：你上菜去吧。
小沈阳：我再重唱一个吧。毕老师，我再重唱一个行吗？
赵本山：唱啥？
小沈阳：我唱个刀郎的吧。
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱个屎壳郎的吧。
毕福剑：老哥，"刀郎"不是一个昆虫的名字，它是一个人名儿，叫刀郎。歌手的名字。
小沈阳：刀郎的声音是沧桑的感觉。
"2002年的第一场雪，
比以往时候来得更晚些......"
毕福剑：你再来一个。你还会唱谁的？
小沈阳：我还会唱《星光大道》走出的那个阿宝。
毕福剑：阿宝的嗓门可高。
小沈阳：接下来，我给毕老师唱一个陕北民歌，"山丹丹开花红艳艳"。
"山丹丹的那个开花哟，
红咯艳艳咯鲜。
毛主席呀领导咱们打江山，
毛主席呀领导咱......"
起高了！
Uncle Zhao Do it alone, won't you? Mr. Bi's tired from his trip. How can he sing with you!
CCTV Man No, not me.
Uncle Zhao Me, then? No way.
CCTV Man "You and Me," you see, is a song's name.
Shenyang Now I'll try. Mm-hum-hum... (Starts to sing)
"You and me, from one world,
We are family... "
Did I lose my words? What a shame!
Uncle Zhao You've lost you' tune. Say, whut mock show is this? It's more like a monkey show. Look at that empty trouser.
Shenyang Just too excited.
Uncle Zhao Go get the food.
Shenyang Can I try another song? Oh please, Mr. Bi.
Uncle Zhao Which one?
Shenyang The song by Daolang, a Chinese pop singer as counter-cultural as the British Beatles.
Uncle Zhao Pooh, a dung beetle song it's gonna be.
CCTV Man Beatles is the name of a rock group, not that of an insect.
Shenyang Daolang's voice is bleak and desolate. (Starts to sing)
"The first snow of 2002
falls somewhat later than usual... "
CCTV Man Encore! Any other song at your beck and call?
Shenyang I can also mock A Bao, a singer made popular through your program.
CCTV Man The guy with a high-pitched voice.
Shenyang Next, I'll sing a Northern Shaanxi folksong, "Wild Morningstar Lilies." (Starts to sing)
"Wild Morningstar lilies bloom
like a passionate prairie fire;
Mao Zedong leads us in our fight
to liberate all suffering people.
Mao Zedong leads us in our fight... "
I started too high.
毕福剑： 冲着点。
小沈阳： "......打江山！"
毕福剑：你，叫什么名字？
小沈阳：我的中文名字叫小沈阳。
毕福剑：还有外国名字？
小沈阳： Xiao Shenyang。
毕福剑：叫什么？
赵本山：没听明白吗？英文名字叫"小损样"。
毕福剑：小伙子，你是哪儿人？
小沈阳：莲花乡的。
毕福剑：是莲花乡的？
小沈阳： 对呀。
毕福剑： 老哥，你儿子让我找的小沈阳，就是他。
小沈阳：是我吗？
毕福剑：你明天跟我一起去趟北京，上《星光大道》，好吗？
小沈阳：谢谢毕老师。哎呀妈呀，太激动啦。
赵本山：他姥爷，这孩子你看你......这都实在亲戚。另外，这些东西我都给你炖了。你不给我面子，也得给她姥爷面子。再不行让他姥爷亲自跟你说说？
毕福剑：别别。我想知道她的......她有名儿吗？
赵本山：不是有名儿没名儿。我不是推荐她，她挺有名气的。你上搜狐网上，你看看新闻，点击率老高了，哇哇的，就（是）那个丫蛋。
毕福剑：哦，搜狐网上说的丫蛋就是她？
赵本山：就是她嘛。
CCTV Man Keep it up. Go!
Shenyang "...to liberate all suffering people!"
CCTV Man Bravo! So what's your name?
Shenyang My Chinese stage name's Xiao Shenyang, combining my own surname "Shen" with part of my wife's personal name.
CCTV Man Also got a foreign name?
Shenyang Ciao Shenyang.
Uncle Zhao See? His English name's Shorth Sorryankee.
CCTV Man Where're you from?
Shenyang Lotus Township.
CCTV Man Oh, yes?
Shenyang Yes.
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) He's the one your son referred me here to.
Shenyang Is that me?
CCTV Man Please go to Beijing with me tomorrow for a new section of the Starlight Broadway, would you?
Shenyang Thank you so much, Mr. Bi. I... I just can't believe it!
Uncle Zhao My dear in-law, I'm a bit clumsy with words but my dishes are still bein' cooked there for you. It's OK if you think nothin' of me, but do please show s'me mercy on the girl's poor dead grandpa. Or shall I ask him to talk to you face to face?
CCTV Man Oh, no. Tell me if she's famous enough in these parts?
Uncle Zhao That ain't abut it. No matter whut, I ain't praisin' her for nothin'. As a matter of fact, she's famous far an' wide. You can surf the Sohu for news abut her - the click rate is just fuckin' high. The girl with the cyber name "Yadar" is her.
CCTV Man So she's the Yadar netizens're talking so much about?
Uncle Zhao Sure.
毕福剑：太好了。你马上上菜，今天这顿饭我包了，我请客。丫蛋，你明天跟着大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你们搞一个组合，就叫"不差钱"。
毛毛： 我也能去了？
毕福剑：可以啊。
毛毛： 谢谢姥爷。
小沈阳：谢谢姥爷。
赵本山：我跟你说，毕老师，你们《星光大道》不是百姓舞台吗？谁都可以参与嘛。他们都要了，把我也接收得了呗。
毕福剑：搜狐网上也有您的名字？
赵本山：你点一下试试呗。另外，我有个重要秘密没跟您透露。
毕福剑：什么秘密？
赵本山：其实我姥爷也姓毕。
（演员谢幕）
CCTV Man Fantastic! (To Shenyang) Serve the meal quick. It's going to be my treat today - I'll pay the bill. And Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang, and join the rest of us there at Starlight Broadway. The two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title "Got the Money Anyway."
Yadar Can I really go?
CCTV Man Of course.
Yadar Thank you, grandpa.
Shenyang Thank you, grandpa.
Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, I know the Starlight Broadway's a stage for common people to play on. If you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too?
CCTV Man Are you famous, too, on the internet?
Uncle Zhao You can click an' see. An' there's a little secret I haven't told you yet.
CCTV Man What's it?
Uncle Zhao My maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed Bi.
(The entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)
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